Review — Pixels, What to Say...?

Friends J and A and I did another Tuesday Guys' Movie yesterday. Saw "Pixels." I'm ambivalent.

On the one hand, I love good animation. In the classic American vein, of course. And I really like it when it's merged well with live action. Like "Pixels" is. This animation is CGI (computer-gtenerated images), which when good is very good and when bad, horrible. This is good.

On the other hand, Adam Sandler is not my favorite comedian. Oh sure, he's done some things that've been mildly funny or have had their moments. But overall, I'd rather watch paint dry. (Though, I gotta say Sandler is much easier to stomach when he tones it down; he does here.)

On the third hand, "Pixels" is definitely not a Guys' Movie, at least not in the usual sense. But if you accept the stereotypical "guy" as easily amused and not an Einstein clone, you might be able to sell "Pixels" as, indeed, a Guys' Movie. (Besides, the others already saw "Ant Man" last week when I was outta town. Those traitors.)

So. We saw well-done CGI/live-action movie. Plus 2. It was not classic animation. Minus 1.

It starred Adam Sandler. Minus 2. He toned it down and was somewhat bearable. Plus 1.

"Pixels" is aimed at kids. Minus 1. Guys might like it anyway. Plus 1.

It contains violence, but it's old-style shoot-the-Centipedes violence. And only one mild S-expletive. Plus 3.

No gratuitious sex or nudity. "...sigh...." Minus 1.

Survey SAYS! Plus - 7, Minus - 5. This flick is rated PG. Good for kids and immature slightly bored Guys. I give it 1 punch to the throat (at Sandler, because I don't like 'im), 5 Pacmans (Pacmen?) and 3 boxes of popcorn, extra butter (Sandler's easier to swallow with extra butter.)

Best bet: See it with yer kids.

Review 3feR — The Amazing Brick Neighbors

Okay, okay, I've been lying down on the job again. So, here are the movies I've seen since my last review: "The Amazing Spiderman 2, "Brick Mansions," and "Neighbors."

"Spidey 2." I gotta tell ya, this new Peter Parker/Spiderman is quite an improvement over his predecessors. I always liked the teenage-angst/swagger mix Jack Kirby and Stan Lee put in their original comic book character. Tobey McGuire's interpretation missed the mark. Andrew Garfield nails it. Also, Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy had all my buddies sitting up and panting. Rrrr...!

Great movie for Guys — and everyone else! Gets at least 12 web-swinging "Yippees!"

"Brick Mansions." The lead, Paul Walker, died in a car wreck before this flick was in the can. Doesn't seem to affect the movie, however. The plot reminds me of that early '80s Kurt Russell flick, "Escape from New York."  But this film has lotsa parkour (that "sport"where participants run/jump/dive/climb across rooftops and swing/fly from all manner of poles, braces, struts and pipes), kicks, flying fists, shoot-'em-ups and explosions. And Walker's reluctant sidekick (Don't know his name. Look it up.) really impressed me!

Not so many special FX, but the parkour more than makes up for that. I give it 4 Glocks and 8 winged-monkey-tail/knuckle sandwiches! Pretty fair Guys' Movie; worth seeing.

Finally, "Neighbors." Stars Seth Rogen, a guy who would be a great talent if he'd just STOP filling his movies with F-bombs and waaaaay over-the-top bathroom humor. Admittedly, some of it IS funny. But like when you ogle a French girl's unshaven legs, a little goes a long way.

The plot centers on a couple of young marrieds with an infant daughter who spends everything they have on a house, just to have an Animal House-type frat move in next door.

Moms, if rude, crude and lewd language doesn't bother you, go ahead and send/take your kids. Otherwise, pass on this movie. The only reason us Guys went is because we'd seen all the real Guys' Movies already. Now, I wish I'd have saved my money.

I give it 8 cakes of Lifebouy Soap for language (they come in four-packs) and ½ smiley face for laughs.

Review — God from Different Angles

Da Boys and I watched "Transcendence" for the (now) $5.50 Tuesday Guys' Movie. (I'm still peeved at the local Cinemark Rave for raising admission from $5! You'd think they'd be happy to have someone in the theater on weekdays, but apparently not. If it wasn't for us discounters, the place'd be EMPTY! Yet, they can't resist milking us.

(But I digress...)

For Take the Wife to the Movies Wednesday, we chose "Heaven Is for Real," a Christian faith-based movie released Easter Sunday that is making big waves around the country.

First, though, "Transcendence." It's the latest Johnny Depp flick, and the critics generally are unkind. It's not a "Gone with the Wind," I'll admit. But it isn't that bad. As a Guys' movie, it's, um, okay. The premise, I think, is relatively unique — or, as unique as they get in these days of terrible remakes of terrible movies. When the preeminent artificial intelligence researcher on Earth is assassinated, his collaborator-wife uploads his consciousness to the Internet. Sort of a John-in-the-Box without the fries. And predictably, he develops something of a god complex.

The CGI and special effects are interesting, if unspectacular. There's also enough gunfire and explosions to keep it mildly interesting. A bit of blood, but nothing stomach-churning. Also (moms, take note) no profanity I can recall, and no sex. 

In short, this is entertaining enough, but as a Guys' flick, it's almost a yawner: not a chick flick, but not a "Captain America" or "Pacific Rim," either.

It gets 3 knuckle sandwiches for action and 2 half-eaten apples for sci-fi computer technology. Also, 5 umbrellas (It's better than staying home on a rainy day cutting your toenails.).

Now, "Heaven Is for Real." It's the true story of the life-altering experience of Colton Bumpo, a four-year-old Nebraska boy. He says he visited Heaven while on the operating table with a burst appendix, fighting for his life.

The movie, starring Greg Kinnear, is well worth seeing. Greg I'm not really a Kinnear fan. However, he's excellent as a small-town pastor struggling to make ends meet while facing one disaster after another.

I love the way the movie is spiritual without hitting you over the head with Christianity — and how very well done and professional it is. It's a quality piece. My one criticism, though, is that the film focuses on Pastor Bumpo more than it focuses on Colton and his profound experiences.

The Wife and I both read the true story upon which this movie is based. (You can download it at http://www.epubbud.com/book.php?g=8WXDUWWG .) If you read it first, you might be a bit disappointed. So, see the flick; then glom onto this book.

I'm not getting into a debate on religion here, or even if film is better than the printed page. But in my case, the movie was good — but this book was MY profound experience. Either way, it's worth your time.

Review C.a2 — Captain America: The Winter Soldier

I saw "Captain America: The Winter Soldier" at today's $5.50 Tuesday Guys' Movie (they keep raising the price — GRRR!) with buddies J and F.

Wow! Now I remember why Cap was my favorite comicbook hero when I was a kid!

No sex, drugs or rock 'n' roll, BUT this is a GRRREAT (apologies to Tony the Tiger) Guys' movie! It contains enough action for any three flicks, but in one movie. No F-bombs, either, Mom, so kids of all ages can watch it without you worrying. And, Guys, it has the added bonus of Scarlett Johansson running around in a terrific Black Widow costume, if knowaddahmean?

You gotta see it, Guys! I give it 7 hand grenades, 6 gatling guns, 5 kung fu fists, 4 armored SUVs, 3 stun guns, 2 police batons and a partridge in a pear tree (I just threw that last in.).

Oh. One more thing: Although I'm nowhere near a fan of network TV, you might wanna DVR tonight's episode of Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on ABC. I think it dovetails with this movie. If so, a nice touch. 

Review — Noah Means No

Took The Wife to see "Noah" this afternoon. (Yeah, yeah, I know. It's borderline illegal for a Real Guy to take his Babe to a bonified Guys' Movie.)

I have just three words for it:
"Gobble.
"Gobble.
"Gobble."

Now, we don't go to Hollywood movie "events" expecting accuracy; especially when it comes to dealing with religion. However, we did — given the TV hype and in-theater trailers — expect some sort of entertaining sci-fi/mystical/spiritual/adventure/rework-of-mythology movie. What we saw was poultry!

The cgi special effects are ho-hum. The writers (I hesitate to use that word for whoever did the screenplay.) slide in several messages that I'm sure are waaaay subtle. Example: The Bad Guy paraphrases Genesis 1:26 that says God gave Man "dominion" over all the creatures of the earth. And the obvious intent is that's BAD!

The actors do well, I must admit: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly and Emma Watson. But neither they nor even profits from the inflated snack bar prices save this movie. As we left, I remarked to The Wife, "I didn't much like it." The ticket-taker lady overheard, leaned over and whispered, "Neither does anyone else." That says a lot.

It gets 1 Oscar silhouette for the actors' efforts and 6 Butterballs for everything else. Save your money.  "Noah" is a real turkey!

Review PD.q — Triple Header (Honest!)

Have viewed 3 (count 'em, three) flicks since  my last Tuesday $5.25 Tuesday Guys' Movie Review.  These'll only take a minute or two....

First one is Ahhnold's latest, "Sabotage." Upside: best acting job he's done in an action flick maybe ever. Apparently, his stint in politics did benefit him. Downside: So gory it makes "300: Rise of an Empire" look like Veggie Tales. I don't like gore for gore's sake. It gets Lizzie Borden's 40 ax whacks. Yuck!

Second movie is "Divergent." Lotsa in-the-future action. Bang! Pow! Wham! Smak! Kick! Punch! Shoot! Blooey! The Heroine gets 2 Cowardly Lions and 1 Golden Compass for finding her courageous self; and the movie, 1 box of slightly stale Valentine's Day chocolates for sexual tension that just stays tense. Minimal gore, no language problems I can recall. Good Guys' movie, and your teeners an twiners will like it, too.

Third is today's $5+ Tuesday Guy's Movie: "Need for Speed." Love it! It's sort of a combination of the old Eastwood flick, "The Gauntlet," the recent "Rush," and the first couple movies in the "Fast and Furious" franchise. Only actor in the movie I know is Michael Keaton, who plays a former illegal street racer/now podcasting, what else? Illegal street racing! But that doesn't matter. The cars and racing are the stars.

No language problems. No gore. No sex (durn!). This is just mindless action, from start to finish. The perfect Guys' movie. Guys, buy a small coke when you go, 'cuz in the middle of the flick you're not gonna wanna, well...go! "Need for Speed" gets 5 (a full set and spare) Michelin PAX tires, and 1 shoulder harness for your theater seat.

Review b767 — Non-stop

Liam Neeson makes another Guys' movie, and it almost blows you away — at least, in the movie sense.

"Non-stop" is one of those rare action flicks that grabs your attention without hitting you over the head with special effects. Oh, don't get me wrong. It has 'em, and some are pretty cool. But the story is so good, and Neeson's character is so well-developed, it'd be a great Guys' movie even without any CGI.

Briefly, someone texts this self-loathing alcoholic near-aviophobic air marshal (Is that developed enough for ya?) threatening the passengers' lives unless the airline pays up. As the movie progresses, we don't know who the bad guy is. (Incidentally, I'm probably not the only one who thinks the TSA, Homeland Security or any airline may not be thrilled with this movie.)

But Guys, it's a go-see.

Moms, this is a thriller the kids can watch, too, without getting totally traumatized by language, carnage or gratuitous sex. (For a long time, I thought "gratuitous" meant you had to tip. Then, I looked it up....) It's PG-13 and pretty mild by current standards.

I give it 5 knuckle sandwiches and 1 hangdog expression for Neeson's portrayal.

Guys, stop reading now. This is for everyone else.

—————

I went to see "Mr. Peabody and Sherman" Wednesday afternoon.

It's a full-length cartoon expanded from a little feature in the '60s TV show "Rocky and Friends." Not only was I the only adult, but I was the only person in the theater. That should have been a clue. (I know, I know. I could have my Guy Card pulled for this. But Rocky and Bullwinkle were so good, I just had to see "Peabody.")

The puns alone may be worth the ticket price. Alas, they aren't. It's only mildly...ahem...punny.  I can see, though, how kids might like this movie. For me, mostly an adult, the funniest part is Patrick Warburton voicing ancient Greek King Agememnon.  (But every time I laughed, I sneaked a peek over my shoulder to see if anyone else had, too. Of course, I was the only one present. Do you know how weird that feels?)

I hope they make a full-length "Fractured Fairytales." That would crack me up.