Review — Noah Means No

Took The Wife to see "Noah" this afternoon. (Yeah, yeah, I know. It's borderline illegal for a Real Guy to take his Babe to a bonified Guys' Movie.)

I have just three words for it:
"Gobble.
"Gobble.
"Gobble."

Now, we don't go to Hollywood movie "events" expecting accuracy; especially when it comes to dealing with religion. However, we did — given the TV hype and in-theater trailers — expect some sort of entertaining sci-fi/mystical/spiritual/adventure/rework-of-mythology movie. What we saw was poultry!

The cgi special effects are ho-hum. The writers (I hesitate to use that word for whoever did the screenplay.) slide in several messages that I'm sure are waaaay subtle. Example: The Bad Guy paraphrases Genesis 1:26 that says God gave Man "dominion" over all the creatures of the earth. And the obvious intent is that's BAD!

The actors do well, I must admit: Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly and Emma Watson. But neither they nor even profits from the inflated snack bar prices save this movie. As we left, I remarked to The Wife, "I didn't much like it." The ticket-taker lady overheard, leaned over and whispered, "Neither does anyone else." That says a lot.

It gets 1 Oscar silhouette for the actors' efforts and 6 Butterballs for everything else. Save your money.  "Noah" is a real turkey!

Review PD.q — Triple Header (Honest!)

Have viewed 3 (count 'em, three) flicks since  my last Tuesday $5.25 Tuesday Guys' Movie Review.  These'll only take a minute or two....

First one is Ahhnold's latest, "Sabotage." Upside: best acting job he's done in an action flick maybe ever. Apparently, his stint in politics did benefit him. Downside: So gory it makes "300: Rise of an Empire" look like Veggie Tales. I don't like gore for gore's sake. It gets Lizzie Borden's 40 ax whacks. Yuck!

Second movie is "Divergent." Lotsa in-the-future action. Bang! Pow! Wham! Smak! Kick! Punch! Shoot! Blooey! The Heroine gets 2 Cowardly Lions and 1 Golden Compass for finding her courageous self; and the movie, 1 box of slightly stale Valentine's Day chocolates for sexual tension that just stays tense. Minimal gore, no language problems I can recall. Good Guys' movie, and your teeners an twiners will like it, too.

Third is today's $5+ Tuesday Guy's Movie: "Need for Speed." Love it! It's sort of a combination of the old Eastwood flick, "The Gauntlet," the recent "Rush," and the first couple movies in the "Fast and Furious" franchise. Only actor in the movie I know is Michael Keaton, who plays a former illegal street racer/now podcasting, what else? Illegal street racing! But that doesn't matter. The cars and racing are the stars.

No language problems. No gore. No sex (durn!). This is just mindless action, from start to finish. The perfect Guys' movie. Guys, buy a small coke when you go, 'cuz in the middle of the flick you're not gonna wanna, well...go! "Need for Speed" gets 5 (a full set and spare) Michelin PAX tires, and 1 shoulder harness for your theater seat.